the first time in my life

For the first time in my life i woke up and I felt good and i felt beautiful... I went through the whole day and feeling beautiful. My last blog made me feel great...and i feel great...

me and my love life

okay so i have not been on a date in 4 years...okay i know that is a long time but i have not found the right person to date. But according to people at work i am still madly in love with my ex, which is not true. I think that in real life you never truely get over your first "true love" but it is more of a rememberence then loving that person. I may not be fully over jason but i am not in love with him and i am NOT trying to get back together with him. I think that it is harder when you have imagined a life with that person. It has been over 4 years now and I can say with a fact that i am not in love with jason anymore. I have found that our definations of love didn't match up and no matter how hard people try we are not and will not getting back together...we were not meant to be. It is hard because i have this ideal of what love is and i have not met anyone that i know of that can met that ideal or even come close. I want a love that will not end in 20 years i want it to bloom and get better through the years like my parents.
If someone was to ask me several months ago if i still loved jason i would have said no but in my heart i knew that was a lie. See when i broke up with jason part of me thought that i was worth chasing after but when he never came back to me or chased after me a little part of me died. I thought that i was worth being chased after and being caught, but when he never chased after me i was hurt. because this was a person that would tell me that i was beautiful and tell me that he loved me but i was not worthy enough to be chased down and profased their love to then i was not worthy of love at all. I may not be the prettiest or the thinnest girl but i am a good girl and i desire the love that someone out in the world can give me but i just have not met that person yet. I want to be swept away, to be loved in the morning with morning breath and all, i want never ending never waivering love. I want to be told i am beautiful before i go to bed and first thing in the morning. I just want someone to love me for me because I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I can say it and mean it for once in my life.
After 4 years I can finally allow myself to be love and now I know that i am beautiful. now how is that... I may be fat but guess what there is more of me to love and that is what i deserve... to be loved. (and that has nothing to do with my ex boyfriend)

just of thought

My brother and i have talked a lot recently about life and stuff. And i have done a lot of thinking about things changing. I have known for a while that i have been in a slump and things were not changing. I finished school and now all i do is work and that has been my life for the last 10 months. I go to work go to bed and repeat 5 days of the week and then on the other 2 i sleep late and don't do much of anything. I haven't really spent a lot of time with my best friend lately and i was thinking a lot about how my life needs a little bit of change. And i found myself now in charge of the house. Since mom and dad were in the accident i have spent a lot of time thinking about how my life was a lot different about 1 week ago. It is amazing how much can change in just about 7 days. wow...1 week, 7 days, 168 hours, 10080 minutes... i had to do the checkbook for my parents. And that wasn't hard but just confusing with so many different books and bills to deal with. Adam and i had to do grocery shopping and that was 90 dollars of my money and soon my money is going to run out, after the trip to penn and food there and gas there it eat up over 900 dollars of my laptop money... any way we cleaned out the refrid but the funny thing was a lot of the food we throw out was outdated over a month not like a week or two like i was thinking but we cleaned it out and now it looks great...keeping the house looking like that will be harder...
I didn't want this kind of change in my life i was hoping for a new job a teaching job but i guess change is change... i don't know what i am feeling i am just trying to deal with my parents accident and trying to keep everything above the water.
we don't have any idea when our parents are going to be released part of my wants it to be very soon and then part of me whats it to be whenever they are a lot better. It would put a lot more stress on me and adam if they were both at home. It would be like taking care of two babies or kids and i am not sure that i can deal with that now. i am just wondering what it holds for me...time will tell...