So I went to the doctor today and i have to go in and they want to give me a epideral with steriods. They also said that my L4 and L5 is starting to degrinerating. That makes me start to worry since mom has the same problem but with one more disc which makes mom 3 dics to are dissolving. There are nothing that the doctors can do for mom now and there is only one thing left which is pain mangement. And I see my future and that scares the shit out of me. Because today it is two dics but tomorrow it could be 3, 4 or 5. It scares the shit out of me when i start to think about it. At the age of 27 i have 2 dics in my spine that are starting to collaspe onto each other. I'm I scared for no reason or I'm i scared for a huge reason.
On a totally different note. Dad had surgery today they took out cable out of his knee and bolt out of this knee. Monday mom has her lungs cleaned out because she has a horrible infection in her lungs that the doctors can't get to go away.
I feel so overwhelmed, more overwhelmed today then after mom and dads accident. And i don't know why. I just want to cry but i don't want to cry. I cam so confused right now and i just can't wrap my finger around it.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Overwhelmed
I just feel so overwhelmed. dad is going in for surgery to remove the cable and screw and they are going to bend his knee while he is under. Mom goes in monday to have her lungs flushed out since she has an e-coli infection in her lungs. I just found out that i have 3 disks in my back that are hurneated. I just feel so overwhelmed right now and i just don't know why
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Life and children
So I have been doing a lot of thinking about life and marriage and children and so i started to look up the chance of me getting pragnant. Since i have pcos which is polycystic ovary syndrome. According to Wikipedia...
Polycystic Ovaries develop when the ovaries are stimulated to produce excessive amounts of male hormones (androgens), particularly testosterone, either through the release of excessive luteinizing hormone (LH) by the anterior pituitary gland or through high levels of insulin in the blood (hyperinsulinaemia) in women whose ovaries are sensitive to this stimulus.
This syndrome acquired its most widely used name because a common sign is multiple (poly) ovarian cysts. These form where egg follicles matured but were never released from the ovary because of abnormal hormone levels. These generally take on a 'string of pearls' appearance. The condition was first described in 1935 by Dr. Stein and Dr. Leventhal, hence its original name of Stein-Leventhal syndrome.
PCOS is characterized by a complex set of symptoms, and the cause cannot be determined for all patients. However, research to date suggests that insulin resistance could be a leading cause. PCOS may also have a genetic predisposition, and further research into this possibility is taking place. No specific gene has been identified, and it is thought that many genes could contribute to the development of PCOS.
A majority of patients with PCOS have insulin resistance. Their elevated insulin levels contribute to or cause the abnormalities seen in the hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian axis that lead to PCOS.
So as you read about the chance of getting pregant they are slim since you don't have a real cycle. According to Wikipedia In this trial, 626 women were randomized to three groups: metformin alone, clomiphene alone, or both. The live birth rates after 6 months were 7.2% (metformin), 22.5% (clomiphene), and 26.8% (both). The major complication of clomiphene was multiple pregancy, affecting 0%, 6% and 3.1% of women respectively. The overall success rates for live birth remained disappointing, even in women receiving combined therapy, but it is important to consider that the women in this trial had already been attempting to conceive for an average of 3.5 years, and over half had received previous treatment for infertility. Thus, these were women with significant fertility problems, and the live birth rates are probably not representative of the 'average' PCOS woman.
So the odds of having a baby is about 26% and that isn't having a baby that is carrying a baby for 6 months. And the rate of live births is disappointing. So the question is since i love kids so much is it going to impossible to have one of my own or is my classroom going to have to be my only children. I guess time will tell. I guess it is whatever God wills.
Polycystic Ovaries develop when the ovaries are stimulated to produce excessive amounts of male hormones (androgens), particularly testosterone, either through the release of excessive luteinizing hormone (LH) by the anterior pituitary gland or through high levels of insulin in the blood (hyperinsulinaemia) in women whose ovaries are sensitive to this stimulus.
This syndrome acquired its most widely used name because a common sign is multiple (poly) ovarian cysts. These form where egg follicles matured but were never released from the ovary because of abnormal hormone levels. These generally take on a 'string of pearls' appearance. The condition was first described in 1935 by Dr. Stein and Dr. Leventhal, hence its original name of Stein-Leventhal syndrome.
PCOS is characterized by a complex set of symptoms, and the cause cannot be determined for all patients. However, research to date suggests that insulin resistance could be a leading cause. PCOS may also have a genetic predisposition, and further research into this possibility is taking place. No specific gene has been identified, and it is thought that many genes could contribute to the development of PCOS.
A majority of patients with PCOS have insulin resistance. Their elevated insulin levels contribute to or cause the abnormalities seen in the hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian axis that lead to PCOS.
So as you read about the chance of getting pregant they are slim since you don't have a real cycle. According to Wikipedia In this trial, 626 women were randomized to three groups: metformin alone, clomiphene alone, or both. The live birth rates after 6 months were 7.2% (metformin), 22.5% (clomiphene), and 26.8% (both). The major complication of clomiphene was multiple pregancy, affecting 0%, 6% and 3.1% of women respectively. The overall success rates for live birth remained disappointing, even in women receiving combined therapy, but it is important to consider that the women in this trial had already been attempting to conceive for an average of 3.5 years, and over half had received previous treatment for infertility. Thus, these were women with significant fertility problems, and the live birth rates are probably not representative of the 'average' PCOS woman.
So the odds of having a baby is about 26% and that isn't having a baby that is carrying a baby for 6 months. And the rate of live births is disappointing. So the question is since i love kids so much is it going to impossible to have one of my own or is my classroom going to have to be my only children. I guess time will tell. I guess it is whatever God wills.
Monday, November 12, 2007
the first time in my life
For the first time in my life i woke up and I felt good and i felt beautiful... I went through the whole day and feeling beautiful. My last blog made me feel great...and i feel great...
me and my love life
okay so i have not been on a date in 4 years...okay i know that is a long time but i have not found the right person to date. But according to people at work i am still madly in love with my ex, which is not true. I think that in real life you never truely get over your first "true love" but it is more of a rememberence then loving that person. I may not be fully over jason but i am not in love with him and i am NOT trying to get back together with him. I think that it is harder when you have imagined a life with that person. It has been over 4 years now and I can say with a fact that i am not in love with jason anymore. I have found that our definations of love didn't match up and no matter how hard people try we are not and will not getting back together...we were not meant to be. It is hard because i have this ideal of what love is and i have not met anyone that i know of that can met that ideal or even come close. I want a love that will not end in 20 years i want it to bloom and get better through the years like my parents.
If someone was to ask me several months ago if i still loved jason i would have said no but in my heart i knew that was a lie. See when i broke up with jason part of me thought that i was worth chasing after but when he never came back to me or chased after me a little part of me died. I thought that i was worth being chased after and being caught, but when he never chased after me i was hurt. because this was a person that would tell me that i was beautiful and tell me that he loved me but i was not worthy enough to be chased down and profased their love to then i was not worthy of love at all. I may not be the prettiest or the thinnest girl but i am a good girl and i desire the love that someone out in the world can give me but i just have not met that person yet. I want to be swept away, to be loved in the morning with morning breath and all, i want never ending never waivering love. I want to be told i am beautiful before i go to bed and first thing in the morning. I just want someone to love me for me because I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I can say it and mean it for once in my life.
After 4 years I can finally allow myself to be love and now I know that i am beautiful. now how is that... I may be fat but guess what there is more of me to love and that is what i deserve... to be loved. (and that has nothing to do with my ex boyfriend)
If someone was to ask me several months ago if i still loved jason i would have said no but in my heart i knew that was a lie. See when i broke up with jason part of me thought that i was worth chasing after but when he never came back to me or chased after me a little part of me died. I thought that i was worth being chased after and being caught, but when he never chased after me i was hurt. because this was a person that would tell me that i was beautiful and tell me that he loved me but i was not worthy enough to be chased down and profased their love to then i was not worthy of love at all. I may not be the prettiest or the thinnest girl but i am a good girl and i desire the love that someone out in the world can give me but i just have not met that person yet. I want to be swept away, to be loved in the morning with morning breath and all, i want never ending never waivering love. I want to be told i am beautiful before i go to bed and first thing in the morning. I just want someone to love me for me because I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I can say it and mean it for once in my life.
After 4 years I can finally allow myself to be love and now I know that i am beautiful. now how is that... I may be fat but guess what there is more of me to love and that is what i deserve... to be loved. (and that has nothing to do with my ex boyfriend)
Thursday, November 1, 2007
just of thought
My brother and i have talked a lot recently about life and stuff. And i have done a lot of thinking about things changing. I have known for a while that i have been in a slump and things were not changing. I finished school and now all i do is work and that has been my life for the last 10 months. I go to work go to bed and repeat 5 days of the week and then on the other 2 i sleep late and don't do much of anything. I haven't really spent a lot of time with my best friend lately and i was thinking a lot about how my life needs a little bit of change. And i found myself now in charge of the house. Since mom and dad were in the accident i have spent a lot of time thinking about how my life was a lot different about 1 week ago. It is amazing how much can change in just about 7 days. wow...1 week, 7 days, 168 hours, 10080 minutes... i had to do the checkbook for my parents. And that wasn't hard but just confusing with so many different books and bills to deal with. Adam and i had to do grocery shopping and that was 90 dollars of my money and soon my money is going to run out, after the trip to penn and food there and gas there it eat up over 900 dollars of my laptop money... any way we cleaned out the refrid but the funny thing was a lot of the food we throw out was outdated over a month not like a week or two like i was thinking but we cleaned it out and now it looks great...keeping the house looking like that will be harder...
I didn't want this kind of change in my life i was hoping for a new job a teaching job but i guess change is change... i don't know what i am feeling i am just trying to deal with my parents accident and trying to keep everything above the water.
we don't have any idea when our parents are going to be released part of my wants it to be very soon and then part of me whats it to be whenever they are a lot better. It would put a lot more stress on me and adam if they were both at home. It would be like taking care of two babies or kids and i am not sure that i can deal with that now. i am just wondering what it holds for me...time will tell...
I didn't want this kind of change in my life i was hoping for a new job a teaching job but i guess change is change... i don't know what i am feeling i am just trying to deal with my parents accident and trying to keep everything above the water.
we don't have any idea when our parents are going to be released part of my wants it to be very soon and then part of me whats it to be whenever they are a lot better. It would put a lot more stress on me and adam if they were both at home. It would be like taking care of two babies or kids and i am not sure that i can deal with that now. i am just wondering what it holds for me...time will tell...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
mom and dad con't
we were hoping that mom and dad would be released today but that didn't happen. Mom is still in a lot of pain and then she broke out and had hives so they took her off all her pain meds and antibotics and that looked it help but then the new pain meds didn't work very well. We also found out that mom has a broken nose now after all and that really sucks because now she is going to have to have surgury after we get home from here. Dad had another chest xray and a mri today but we never show a dr so i guess no news is good news unless it is worse and they have to wait to see what needs to be done. i only saw moms dr again which no one can understand because his english isn't very good so it is very hard to figure out what he is saying but it didn't really matter because they took her off her pain meds and then put her back on them again.
I am tired and stress and seriously home sick. Our room looks out at the side of a building and it looks kinda like the side of kroger and that helps for a minute until i relize that i am actually 6 hours away from home and then it gets worse but it is worth it. i don't feel good. I just want to cry but that will not help anything and would probably give me a headache but at least i have my meds now that rach came here during her fall break and that kinda helps but she seems homesick also and that kinda makes it worse.
dad isn't going home he is going to a rehab center and we are hoping that it is the one that just opened and is very close to the house but i kinda hope that dad will not have to go at all. I wonder what life would be like without hope. it would be a sad sad life. i have always tried to be a positive person but it is hard when you have so much stress and you are so tired.
mom and i got into a fight today. and i apologied because i was tired stressed and just overwhelmed. i am very sorry about all that is going but i am just so tired and stressed and to think about how much stress adam is under is amazing he has taking a lot of the phone calls on his own. he has contacted like everyone but we normally will decise what is going on and then he would actually make the phone calls and set things up.
A little part of me wishs that this was just a terrible dream and that i am going to wake up and be home in my bed and mom and dad will be fine everything will work out i know it will(faith)...but i am a little scared too.
I am tired and stress and seriously home sick. Our room looks out at the side of a building and it looks kinda like the side of kroger and that helps for a minute until i relize that i am actually 6 hours away from home and then it gets worse but it is worth it. i don't feel good. I just want to cry but that will not help anything and would probably give me a headache but at least i have my meds now that rach came here during her fall break and that kinda helps but she seems homesick also and that kinda makes it worse.
dad isn't going home he is going to a rehab center and we are hoping that it is the one that just opened and is very close to the house but i kinda hope that dad will not have to go at all. I wonder what life would be like without hope. it would be a sad sad life. i have always tried to be a positive person but it is hard when you have so much stress and you are so tired.
mom and i got into a fight today. and i apologied because i was tired stressed and just overwhelmed. i am very sorry about all that is going but i am just so tired and stressed and to think about how much stress adam is under is amazing he has taking a lot of the phone calls on his own. he has contacted like everyone but we normally will decise what is going on and then he would actually make the phone calls and set things up.
A little part of me wishs that this was just a terrible dream and that i am going to wake up and be home in my bed and mom and dad will be fine everything will work out i know it will(faith)...but i am a little scared too.
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