Life and children

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about life and marriage and children and so i started to look up the chance of me getting pragnant. Since i have pcos which is polycystic ovary syndrome. According to Wikipedia...
Polycystic Ovaries develop when the ovaries are stimulated to produce excessive amounts of male hormones (androgens), particularly testosterone, either through the release of excessive luteinizing hormone (LH) by the anterior pituitary gland or through high levels of insulin in the blood (hyperinsulinaemia) in women whose ovaries are sensitive to this stimulus.

This syndrome acquired its most widely used name because a common sign is multiple (poly) ovarian cysts. These form where egg follicles matured but were never released from the ovary because of abnormal hormone levels. These generally take on a 'string of pearls' appearance. The condition was first described in 1935 by Dr. Stein and Dr. Leventhal, hence its original name of Stein-Leventhal syndrome.

PCOS is characterized by a complex set of symptoms, and the cause cannot be determined for all patients. However, research to date suggests that insulin resistance could be a leading cause. PCOS may also have a genetic predisposition, and further research into this possibility is taking place. No specific gene has been identified, and it is thought that many genes could contribute to the development of PCOS.

A majority of patients with PCOS have insulin resistance. Their elevated insulin levels contribute to or cause the abnormalities seen in the hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian axis that lead to PCOS.

So as you read about the chance of getting pregant they are slim since you don't have a real cycle. According to Wikipedia In this trial, 626 women were randomized to three groups: metformin alone, clomiphene alone, or both. The live birth rates after 6 months were 7.2% (metformin), 22.5% (clomiphene), and 26.8% (both). The major complication of clomiphene was multiple pregancy, affecting 0%, 6% and 3.1% of women respectively. The overall success rates for live birth remained disappointing, even in women receiving combined therapy, but it is important to consider that the women in this trial had already been attempting to conceive for an average of 3.5 years, and over half had received previous treatment for infertility. Thus, these were women with significant fertility problems, and the live birth rates are probably not representative of the 'average' PCOS woman.

So the odds of having a baby is about 26% and that isn't having a baby that is carrying a baby for 6 months. And the rate of live births is disappointing. So the question is since i love kids so much is it going to impossible to have one of my own or is my classroom going to have to be my only children. I guess time will tell. I guess it is whatever God wills.

the first time in my life

For the first time in my life i woke up and I felt good and i felt beautiful... I went through the whole day and feeling beautiful. My last blog made me feel great...and i feel great...

me and my love life

okay so i have not been on a date in 4 years...okay i know that is a long time but i have not found the right person to date. But according to people at work i am still madly in love with my ex, which is not true. I think that in real life you never truely get over your first "true love" but it is more of a rememberence then loving that person. I may not be fully over jason but i am not in love with him and i am NOT trying to get back together with him. I think that it is harder when you have imagined a life with that person. It has been over 4 years now and I can say with a fact that i am not in love with jason anymore. I have found that our definations of love didn't match up and no matter how hard people try we are not and will not getting back together...we were not meant to be. It is hard because i have this ideal of what love is and i have not met anyone that i know of that can met that ideal or even come close. I want a love that will not end in 20 years i want it to bloom and get better through the years like my parents.
If someone was to ask me several months ago if i still loved jason i would have said no but in my heart i knew that was a lie. See when i broke up with jason part of me thought that i was worth chasing after but when he never came back to me or chased after me a little part of me died. I thought that i was worth being chased after and being caught, but when he never chased after me i was hurt. because this was a person that would tell me that i was beautiful and tell me that he loved me but i was not worthy enough to be chased down and profased their love to then i was not worthy of love at all. I may not be the prettiest or the thinnest girl but i am a good girl and i desire the love that someone out in the world can give me but i just have not met that person yet. I want to be swept away, to be loved in the morning with morning breath and all, i want never ending never waivering love. I want to be told i am beautiful before i go to bed and first thing in the morning. I just want someone to love me for me because I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I can say it and mean it for once in my life.
After 4 years I can finally allow myself to be love and now I know that i am beautiful. now how is that... I may be fat but guess what there is more of me to love and that is what i deserve... to be loved. (and that has nothing to do with my ex boyfriend)

just of thought

My brother and i have talked a lot recently about life and stuff. And i have done a lot of thinking about things changing. I have known for a while that i have been in a slump and things were not changing. I finished school and now all i do is work and that has been my life for the last 10 months. I go to work go to bed and repeat 5 days of the week and then on the other 2 i sleep late and don't do much of anything. I haven't really spent a lot of time with my best friend lately and i was thinking a lot about how my life needs a little bit of change. And i found myself now in charge of the house. Since mom and dad were in the accident i have spent a lot of time thinking about how my life was a lot different about 1 week ago. It is amazing how much can change in just about 7 days. wow...1 week, 7 days, 168 hours, 10080 minutes... i had to do the checkbook for my parents. And that wasn't hard but just confusing with so many different books and bills to deal with. Adam and i had to do grocery shopping and that was 90 dollars of my money and soon my money is going to run out, after the trip to penn and food there and gas there it eat up over 900 dollars of my laptop money... any way we cleaned out the refrid but the funny thing was a lot of the food we throw out was outdated over a month not like a week or two like i was thinking but we cleaned it out and now it looks great...keeping the house looking like that will be harder...
I didn't want this kind of change in my life i was hoping for a new job a teaching job but i guess change is change... i don't know what i am feeling i am just trying to deal with my parents accident and trying to keep everything above the water.
we don't have any idea when our parents are going to be released part of my wants it to be very soon and then part of me whats it to be whenever they are a lot better. It would put a lot more stress on me and adam if they were both at home. It would be like taking care of two babies or kids and i am not sure that i can deal with that now. i am just wondering what it holds for me...time will tell...

mom and dad con't

we were hoping that mom and dad would be released today but that didn't happen. Mom is still in a lot of pain and then she broke out and had hives so they took her off all her pain meds and antibotics and that looked it help but then the new pain meds didn't work very well. We also found out that mom has a broken nose now after all and that really sucks because now she is going to have to have surgury after we get home from here. Dad had another chest xray and a mri today but we never show a dr so i guess no news is good news unless it is worse and they have to wait to see what needs to be done. i only saw moms dr again which no one can understand because his english isn't very good so it is very hard to figure out what he is saying but it didn't really matter because they took her off her pain meds and then put her back on them again.
I am tired and stress and seriously home sick. Our room looks out at the side of a building and it looks kinda like the side of kroger and that helps for a minute until i relize that i am actually 6 hours away from home and then it gets worse but it is worth it. i don't feel good. I just want to cry but that will not help anything and would probably give me a headache but at least i have my meds now that rach came here during her fall break and that kinda helps but she seems homesick also and that kinda makes it worse.
dad isn't going home he is going to a rehab center and we are hoping that it is the one that just opened and is very close to the house but i kinda hope that dad will not have to go at all. I wonder what life would be like without hope. it would be a sad sad life. i have always tried to be a positive person but it is hard when you have so much stress and you are so tired.
mom and i got into a fight today. and i apologied because i was tired stressed and just overwhelmed. i am very sorry about all that is going but i am just so tired and stressed and to think about how much stress adam is under is amazing he has taking a lot of the phone calls on his own. he has contacted like everyone but we normally will decise what is going on and then he would actually make the phone calls and set things up.
A little part of me wishs that this was just a terrible dream and that i am going to wake up and be home in my bed and mom and dad will be fine everything will work out i know it will(faith)...but i am a little scared too.

mom and dad

I got the worst call in the world on tuesday. I got a voicemail while i was at work telling me that my mom and dad had been in an accident. A lady in a town car pulled out in front of my mom and dads motorcycle. she pulled out in front of them like 10 feet and it was raining she said she didn't see them. that sounds like an admittion to me. Dad broke his arm, shattered his knee cap. Mom has a bruised ribs, chipped tooth and a bruised chin. So this is a bitch.

bad dream

i had a terrible nightmare this morning. I had a dream that i was at a house on the beach and then there was a big wave and i held on to the doorknob and then after the wave went back then. then i open the door and then i went inside and then i tried to shut the door and there were 3 kids saying trick or treat in a scarey voice and i yelled for brother domanic(i don't have a clue) and he went over and held the door there and then the door opened up and i saw the 3 kids in nosses being hung and the rope was going high and the they were being lifted over the doorway...it was scarey.

rough draft

Maybe you never loved me
you would probably disagree.
But love is just a word
with lots of definitions unheard.
You never listened to mine
maybe I shouldn't have re-defined
all my hopes and dreams
and all that I wanted to gleam
from your love and our life.
Did you ever want me as a wife?
Maybe we will never truely agree
that maybe we were never meant to be.
But now I'm ready for my chance of hope
I am finally ready to start to cope.
To this I say You Never LOVED ME!
Now I am finally Free!
because you never loved me,
loved me, just for me!

birthday

So I had my birthday this week and well what can i say I am now 27. I was excited about my birthday and then i remembered that grandma died on my birthday last year...so when i was thinking about it...it wasn't too bad but then aunt sherry called me and they sang me happy birthday and tell me that they would be praying for my mom and then i relized that it was because of grandma not because of anything else...at least i got to go out with emi on sat and that totally rocked...i love emi...emi, adam and i went out to eat and then walked around the mall...we saw a cover wrap that was priced $520.00...NO JOKE!!! i had a great time...thank god for them...they help me keep my sanity...

let down again

I should know better than to get my hopes up. I started talking to this guy and so we started to e-mail each other over the weekend. So we decided to e-mails pic and so i e-mailed mine first and i guess i should have waited until i saw him. guys are shallow and i know this and most guys only care about the outer apprence. so i guess i am back to square one. i guess i should have just left it alone and not emailed him at all let alone my pic and now i will never hear from him and so i guess i am a little depressed but that is how the cookie crumbles. oh well

babysitting

I am going to start babysitting on mondays for gillian. I am babysitting Ava because gillian is starting school she is going back to college to get her cna. Certified nurse. I am so happy for her so since i am off on mondays i am going to watch ava because kurtis works nights and it would be hard for him to watch ava and sleep. i am excited

time to grow up...

So mom and dad are going to have to move and it scares me to death. i have lived all my life in my parents home and now i will still be there the difference is adam and i will have to pay the bills. we are hoping that they don't have to move out of state because if they do i have a feeling that we will have to move with them. it isn't like they are going to move for a few months or years this move would be for 15 years. since dads plant is closing down and he has to move or lose his job and he can't do that. it is going to be different. in 15 years i will be 42 am i going to have to live in this house till them and them have to get a home from there at the age of 42 i hope to have kids by then and be married...then what...i guess we will just have to play this by the ear since adam wants to live in london and new york...then i will have to stay here...i am just confused...it isn't a matter of if dad has to go it is the matter of when...he can't wait to long or he will not have a job...sucks...

Sick

So I have been sick for about a week and that totally sucks. I have been running a fever coughing and my nose is running like no other... I am feeling better today so I guess that is good since i have been sick since last sunday. i still have a horrible cough and my nose is still running. My ears got water in them and now one of my ears i can't hear out of but it is a little better since i put drops in them. I guess i am on my way to being the normal me...lol..anyway

So a lot has happened

Jd and cherellie had a baby...finally. She is a cute little girl. 8lbs 10oz and 21.5 inches long.
My dad's uncle passed away this morning. He had cancer that we just found out about a few days ago. And it was worse than the doctors thought. So i have to go to a funeral on thursday. so i had to get my schedule changed so i can go to the funeral.
I am sick thank god that i am off work and tomorrow so i am hoping i get filling better today and tomorrow. i have a terrible cough and my nose is running like none other.
Amber came by to see me at work yesterday. she is sad because she wants adam back. and as i know that will never happen. she has hurt adam badly and adam will NEVER take her back but she doesn't think that this is true she thinks that rach will break up with adam and adam will go back to her. because girls never stay forever with their first boyfriends. so basically i just let her vent and then she left.

lonely again

So I really felt like a third wheel tonight. it is hard to be the only one of your friends that doesn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband. so when i got to kroger adam and rach were all over each other and so was jd and cherellie...so i felt so out of place. so i went inside because i felt i was in the way...i normally don't feel like that...but normally they don't hang and kiss like that so i felt like they wanted to be alone...and that kinda hurt...i am lonely but that just isn't something i can fix right now...i am 26 living at home with my parents i broke up with my last boyfriend but still don't feel right... i am not sure why i have not dated..i think i am a little scared that i will end up the same way so i feel like i am saving me and the other party involved a lot of heartache...it is tough to see my brother and his girlfriend hanging all over each other and knowing that he had his heart broke and he just bounced back and got back in another relationship i don't know how he can do it...but he is a guy maybe that is it...i don't know...i feel like i am not complete...i am missing something and i don't know if it is something that someone else has or if it is something my ex has...i know that i broke up with him but i think it hurt me more...he was my first true love and i thought we would be together forever( i am glad i was wrong) but i gave him my heart without a thought and now i regret giving it to anyone...i don't know...i don't like to feel like a third wheel but that is how i felt tonight and so now i feel ugly and lonely...

Job Application

So today was the first time i put an application in for a job. I am not sure why i haven't done this before now but i did it now...so now i have to do is wait and see...and keep my eyes open for other opportunities...

Jazz Fest

So today I got to spend the day with Adam and Rach. It was a lot of fun. We went to the IMA and spent a lot of time there and then we went out to eat. We went to buca de bepo and that was awesome. We then went to military park for the jazz fest with was so awesome. There is nothing i know that i could compare it to it was that great.
i had a great day with bub and rach.

Dream

So I had a dream last night about my ex. now normally when i have a dream about him i see him within a few days. that makes me uneasy. I am not sure why i have that feeling about it but everytime i see him i get this wierd feeling. I am not sure if it is because deep down inside i still love him or if it is because i broke his heart. I didn't mean to and i know it was self-centered but i did i broke up with him and i am not sure why i think about it all the time. i broke up with him 3 years ago and i am not over it and i don't know why. i have not even been on a date since him. i am afraid of getting that close to someone again. he knew all my secrets and when i broke up with him i was so scared that he was going to tell everyone about my secret but he didn't. But i guess he has moved on and i have not but i don't know how to move on...i mean i broke up with him and i seem to be the only one that got hurt... it has been 3 years but i don't think that right now in my life i could give myself like that. i don't have it in my possessions to be able to give it to anyone...so how do i get it back...it all boils down to one word....rejection

Drive In

So Jd, Cherellie, adam, rach and I went to the drive in tonight to see Sherk 3. And what I could hear of it, it was great. There was this car that park one spot over from us and things were great until their friends showed up in the middle of the movie. So we didn't have a speaker box because ours was broken but we figured it wouldn't be a big deal and it wasn't until the second car showed up. There was several parts of the movie I had no idea what was going on because they were talking over the speakers. So almost the end of the movie one girl screams about how this can't be the end of the movie(if they would have been there at the begining of the movie then they would have known). It was a double feature and I honestly thought about(as we were driving away...since we all have seen PiratesIII) screaming the ending to them and totally ruin the movie for them like they ruined it for us...but i didn't...oh well

6/6

So I guess the place where i work is doing some clean up. They are going to fire 6 people from the front where i work. I am very sad, one of course is my brother then you have someone who has been with the company for 14 years. 14 years is a long time to be with a company and be accused of basically stealing, and that is not what happened...i think it is a bunch of bull crap...i guess i need to polish my cya folder...and start covering my ass...

6/3

At this very moment in time I feel like something just isn't right. I am not sure what but it is the feeling in my gut. Just like something just isn't adding up right. I am not sure why. I have a big test to take on saturday so I guess I better get some more studying in this week, but I don't think that is it. But I really don't know so I guess it could be anything.
My best friend had a baby a few months ago and i feel like we have kinda split ways. I am not sure that this is the right way to say it but i feel like there is more of a distance between the two of us than before. Don't get me wrong i love ava she is beautiful. I just feel like i need to give her the space she needs, i hope this is right because she is my best friend and i have never had a best friend like her before so i hope i am right.

6/2

Today I got to thinking about my papaw(grandpa). It seemed like everything today pointed to him. I am working on a scrapbook in the loving memory of papaw. I think that it has been more of a healing process than anything else. It is just sad that my kids will never know papaw. He was a rough man but he was the sweetest, lovable teddybear. I miss him so much. I think my next page will have something to do with shooting stars and somewhere of the rainbow. I have always thought that the stars are just little hole that the people from heaven look through to see everyone. When the sky is cloudy then it just means that they know we are doing okay. When my great grandpa hill passed away it was the first "real" funeral i went to and i remember the pastor saying something about the stars in heaven. I would stare at the sky at night and just cry. I just wish this was a very bad dream and i will wake up soon, but i know it isn't a dream. He would be so proud of me. I love you papaw.

5/30

I had to go to a meeting for work. Our store is getting a brand new check cashing policy and process since we now just their ssn and dln now they will have to enroll their finger print and ssn, dln, employer name, supervisor, and phone #. technology is great...it will be intresting next few days, week, month...oh well
other than that i just cleaned my room...it needed it but i guess i should go to bed now...

Sorry

I think that is a word that i use too much. I am sorry. I'm sorry. I bet i say that at least a million times a day. But when you think about it what does it really mean to be sorry. I tell people all the time that i am sorry that this rang up wrong (like i have controll of it) but it is something that i have to say. So when you are truely sorry most people don't believe you. I am totally going to go off subject here. I am thinking about someones relationship that didn't work out and i am truely sorry that it fell to pieces but i told this person all about her and how she was have a hard to with a recent breakup but he didn't listen. And that makes me feel so sorry for him. And as i am thinking about why his relationship didn't work out I start to think about why i haven't been in a relationship lately. I am so f*ckin scared. I have always been afraid of rejection. I hate that feeling and in order to date you have to be willing to put yourself on the line for rejection. I am not sure if i am ready for that. Don't get me wrong i would love to go out on a date because i am so lonely but it scares me to think what happens if this person doesn't like me like that or what happens if i have a great time and they don't. i know that you can't live your life being afraid. I have lots of friends don't get me wrong i am not lonely like that. I spend a lot of time with my friends. But most my friends have others and i don't, that makes me a third wheel in everything except when it comes to my best friend...her husband is the third wheel...lol. I like that everyone likes me but noone likes me like that. I had a single male friend once, but he started dating someone. I just feel so lonely and it is not for a friend it is for the companionship of someone of the opposite sex. I long to be kissed again, hold hands again, talk to someone on the phone about nothing. I miss someone to hold me to touch me to feel me. But it seems that their is noone out there for me. I understand that it is when you least expect it, it will happen but i just wished it was sooner. I just wished i was not so scared to put myself out there. I have put myself out there and told someone things i would not tell anyone else, but that added up to not. I will i know how to move on with life and start a new life. how can you start again with you heart a million pieces. How can you pick up those pieces and move on with life. I wish i knew...sorry...lol

Cheating

What would you do if you got cheated on?
How would you act?
How could you forgive them?
Do you give them a second chance?
What would you do?
I know that saying 'once a cheater always a cheater' but does anyone believe that?

So I know someone that has cheated on her boyfriend. So at first I thought I should tell him because it is going to come out one way or another, better sooner than later. But someone else was going to tell and he thought about it and decided no he wasn't going to tell. There are two ways to tell people things, first out of pure consern and second out of pure in your face. I think that i could tell him in the first way but i think since this sitation doesn't concern me that i will just let sleeping dogs lay. Sorry!

Questions

Have you ever felt that no-one understands you?
No-one really cares about you?
That you are alone in this over populated world?
What am I doing wrong?
I can't change me! I am who I am...

5/25

So I had to work today...totally sucked. But I went to the movies with Adam and Rach. I love my brother. I don't think he understands how much i love him. He is one of my best friends(i only have two...gilla and adam). I think it is amazing he can be so sweet and loving and then be a totally butt...but that is just him.
We went and saw Pirates III. It was GREAT! there is totally going to be a fourth.lol...

Excited

I got my new mp3 player today. So i have been messing around with it. I should really be in bed, but i have been putting new music and pictures and trying to figure out how to put videos on it... I am so excited...just though it was blog worthy

stolen car

So bub and I were at work and we ran inside for crab dip and crackers and when we came back around the side of the building, someone had stolen his car. He left the windows down and the keys in the front sit. At first it seemed like a joke but no really someone stole his car. He called poppie and then the cops. The cops took all the information down and then told us that they would call if they found it. We left and drove around to gas stations (because his car was on E) but didn't see it. So we came home. After a few minutes of being here he got the call from the cops. Apparently whom ever stole it had already switched the plates out, and was driving to dump the stuff out of the back. The cops pulled him over and he ALMOST hit a pole(thank God he didn't). They got him out at gun point and had to drag him out of the car. I hope everything is alright with the car but that is an end to a very uneventful day.

Wondering

So as i sit here and ponder the strange things that i tend to ponder one thing sticks out more than others. It is the subject of soulmates.

How long must you know someone in order to say they are your soulmate?
Is this something that as soon as you meet you know?
Is it something you discuss with the other half of your soul?
Does the other half have to feel the same way?
Or can this be a one sided ideal?
Do you just walk down the street and someone catches your eye and at the moment you know that this person is your soulmate?
Do you have to even know this person(example while you were sleeping: she was in love with this man she had never meet but she sees him daily getting on the train)?
Who makes the rules to who is or who is not a soulmate or even soulmate material?
Can you have several people in the running for soulmate like an election?
So can you just narrow down the list of possible soulmates like the primaries?
Do you have to be in love with the person in order to label them a soulmate?
Does everyone really have a soulmate?
Are there people in the world that just wonder around in a daze state looking for their soulmate?
Will your soulmate someday just show up at your door and scream I AM YOUR SOULMATE!!!?
Do other people know who your soulmate is or are you the only one that really knows?
What does a soulmate do?
Do they hold some sort of a spell to cast over the other half or do they hold any power at all?
Does each person have to fill out an application in order to be a soulmate?

This whole soulmate topic has drained me so I went to wikipedia to find some more information on the subject. But it was not very helpfull.

According to wikipedia :Soulmate (or soul mate) is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility.
A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.

I like this definition better.
Classic Meaning of Soulmates
The concepts of soulmates arose from Greek mythology. According to the story, our ancestors once had 2 heads, 4 arms. They did something to offend a god so that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half, our soulmates.
Spiritual Soulmate Concepts
Many religions and spiritual paths believe in reincarnation and the concept of karma. Through reincarnation, soulmates may spend many lifetimes together in past lives. Other spiritual methods of searching for one's soulmate are astrology, numerology, palm reading, personality types, and magic. Modern spritual paths often blend western and eastern philosophies.
Companion Soulmates
These are people that we encounter through their life. These are usually friends, teachers, mentors, or other people who have helped you achieving a life's goal or helped you out of a crisis.
Twin Soulmates
These types of soulmate are your closest friends or a person whom you really click with. According to those who believe in reincarnation, you have already met them in a past life, and in this life you are continuing the relationship. There is an emotional bond between these soulmates and each is able to sense the feelings of each other..
Twin Flame Soulmates
This is the most popular type of soulmate. There is usually one twin flame soulmate for each of us. Twin flame soulmates have spent multiple lifetimes together in past lives. There is incredible chemistry and attraction towards each other. They "complete" each other and only few lucky people are able to find their twin flame soulmate. Twin flame soulmates, if separated, usually suffer enormous pain.


Sorry for the vent.

5/21

So I put all my graduation money in the bank and put it on my student loans. $750.00 to help pay off my student loans. I kept $100.00 to go and buy some gold earrings that will be my graduation present from grandma and grandpa day. I think that will be nice so I can have something I can say that grandpa bought me since he is not here with me anymore.

5/20

So adam told dustin what he thought about all this and he just sat there and listened. But what kills me is "i would rather be with a girl" refering to having friends. I guess that is what he wants. Some people are only people when they are in a relationship, maybe he is one of those people. That is too bad. Adam and Jd are great people to be friends with, they are the best and it is too bad when someone finally is excepted as one of the group do this and it turns out so bad. I just feel sorry for dustin, but in the end it is his loss. My loyality is to my brother. My brother is great and it hurts me to see someone just shit on him like that. But okay enough is enough. Good night...

Last night...

So I found out why i got ditched last night. Appearantly dustin had a hot date with my brothers ex girlfriend. yeah. So they are a couple now. I hope he see the fact that she is using him to stay close to adam. that gives her a reason to be at kroger all the time. i hope i am wrong. dustin needs someone that is going to nurse his wounds and since she is bearing her own set of wounds that will be hard to do. another friendship down the shit tube. this one didn't last long. oh well, i guess there is a reason for everything we do. i will not talk to dustin now. sorry. he shouldn't be doing that. that is totally wrong in the friendship level for him to do this to adam.

5/18

I was so excited about today because i was going to see 28 weeks later, but i didn't get to go. I was supposed to go with dustin but i think he was very busy today and i understand but i was so excited about this movie. I finally watched the first one and now i am so ready for the next one.
Tomorrow is my open house and i am very nervous. i will have to tell person after person that i don't have a job yet that i have to take the praxis ii so i can be certified to teach. I felt so proud the day I graduated because i am the first Day to graduate college and i was the second to graduate high school. It makes me proud to know that i have made my poppie proud and happy. Everyone is in search of someone to be proud of them and that person for me is my poppie. I just wish grandpa would have been here. I miss him so much. He would have been so happy at my open house. So today has been full of mixed emotions.

These Faithful Three

Passion, love and hope
not knowing how to cope
these faithful three
left my soul with only a key
holding a promise to make it whole
they left my lonely soul

not having the knowledge to use it
not knowing what it fit
thinking it was useless
thinking it had missed
the opportunity to make it turn
waiting patiently, it yearns
to be made whole, saddened
by time left it only with dread
wishing it was dead
my soul also fleed

Cemetery

I went to the cemetery to place roses on papaw's grave. When I pulled up I saw that they had put his military plate up. I broke down. Since I graduated Sunday and my papaw wasn't there, it didn't hit me until I visited him. He would have been so proud of me. He was always telling people that I was going to school to be a teacher but he had that look in his eyes. That I am so-o proud of her, she had a dream and did it. It would have been nice for him to have saw me walk across the stage. But I guess he had to watch from heaven.