get out more...?

the one side of my brother recent texts to me...

we are both willing to help you in any way possible. I am glad o see you going out more but you need to start hanging out with some straight guy. You are the
okay. so I have decided that you must have children as soon as possible. Alot of my happiness relies on you getting kn ocked up. This has been agreed upon by me
and R. This is because you are the only shot that eitherof us have to becoming aunt and uncle. So there is alot of pressure on you. I understand this so
only hope that i have to becoming uncle A. Thats it. No other chance for me. So, you need to get working on that. Thank you
That is exactly what i am saying. More straight guys. And get knocked up. Thats not too much to ask for
i think it is a lack of effort. Put yourself out there, I am not asking for you to get married. Just knocked up :-) You need to have your gay friends hook you up with some nice fertile straight guys it wouldn't hurt to ask. You need a nice boyfriend to get you out of this slump. A nice straight fertile christian guy
Yea. Well. In a perfect world that is true. But we don't live in a perfect world. Regardless stop arguing over details. You need to get out there and take
risks. Put yourself out there and make something happen. Will you get hurt? Probably. But it goes with the territory. Every venture is a life lesson. You must
start somewhere. And the sooner you start the better. Just do it.
We were discussing things that we want from our lives. And one thing that i want more than anything else is to see you happy AND to be called uncle A.
And since R has no siblings herself out only hope for that is you. So we have decided to encourage you four our happiness :-)
Yes. So if ther is anything that we can do please let us know. And I know this might sound a little 'joke-like' but it actually isnt. So get out there and find you happiness. Find a mate. Find someone that will make you happy forever and then get pregnant so that i can become an uncle and be happy
R and my happiness is ver dependent on you being happy. So we have decided to help you in anyway possible.

early morning text

so i got a text this morning from my brother this morning and he is concerned with happiness. i have been going out more but this isn't what he was meaning...my friend that i have been hanging out with is gay. i do need to date...more...to just date. the thing is i am happy maybe i do need to find someone but i don't know...he said that his happines depends on it because he wants kids to call him uncle adam...which will be uncle bubbie. i love him and now since it concerns me now.

I may be fat but at least I'm happy!!!

okay so it has taken me 28 years to be comfortable with my weight with that being said. Today at church my pastor talked about being healthy and getting into shape because our bodies are temples for the Lord. I know this and after years and years of dieting and trying to lose weight i can't so I gave it to God. I told God that I am who he made me. I found that God gave me peace and let me start to love myself for being me the very beautiful, curvey, intelligent women. So my favorite author right now is Jennifer Weiner and she wrote a great book entitled Good in bed. Her heroine is a plus size women and she has also finally made peace with that fact and has decided to get on with her life. I found several parts of this book were enpowering to me as a women and a plus size gal.

1.The Quote: 'Men don't like fat women. And even thought this world would turn out not to be absolutely true-there would be men who would love me, and there would be people that would respect me-I carried his words into my adulthood like a prophecy, viewing the world through the prism of my body, and my father's prediction.'

--->My father never said those words to me but it was a boy from school that made me realize that i was in fact 'fat'. I will carry those words with me forever. 'Your just a fat, ugly bitch', wow, what words came out of this childs mouth. I was in 3rd grade. I will remember that day forever and I hope none of my children will go through this.

2.The Quote: 'These were a thousand words that could have described me-smart, funny, kind, generous. But the word I picked - the word that I believed the world had picked for me - was fat.'

--->Hello, I am fat! I know that i am fat, so i don't like anyone laughing or making rude comment because i have eat too. Just because the world choose word and make it sound ugly, mean and nasty doesn't mean that you have to take it that way. You know i may be fat, but at least i am happy.

3.The Quote: 'The truth is this-I'm all right the way I am. I was all right, all along. I will never be thin, but I will be happy. I will love myself, and my body, for what it can do-because it is strong enough to lift, to walk, to ride a bicycle up a hill, to embrace the people I love and hold them fully, and to nurture a new life. i will love myself because I am sturdy. Because I did not-will not-break.'

--->This is my quote for my life right now. 'I will love myself', I may be fat but I refuse to believe that I am ugly and stupid. My body is strong and I will survive. I may not be a size 8 or be the tall, all legs blonde, but i am beautiful because I Broke the Mold.

4.The Quote: 'And, ultimately, I learned, there is comfort. Comfort in reaching out to the peole who love you, comfort in asking for help, and in realizing, finally, that I am valued, treasured, loved, even if I am never going to be smaller than a size sixteen, even if my story doesn't have the Hollywood-perfect happy ending where I lose sixty pounds and Prince Charming decides that he loves me after all.'

--->Have you ever had an ahha moment, i just had one. In college I was sitting at a table with a group of fellow teachers when I told one of them that I valued them, and I truely did/do. And she told me that she valued me and I never believed her until now. She truely meant what she said and wow I can actually see that now. Anyway on with my first thought, Hollywood has made everything so thin in society, it makes me sick. When I go to the movies, yes I want to be entertained but it helps if I can related and I can't relate to skinny girls getting called fat and crying. Show me a true women with meat and lets see it play out with the real thing. I am looking for my Prince Charming that is true, who isn't. but he is going to have to like me for me and not what I could be or could look like. He will like me for me and just because it is me.

This book has helped me through the process of excepting me for me, which is 28 years in the making. Girls should never feel ashamed because they are overweigh you are who you are because God made you that way.

tonight 10/10

okay so i went out tonight with a friend and had a great time. I really love spending time with this person, he is just so much fun. He is awesome. So we went out to eat and went to see a movie the movie wasn't that great but it was okay. They were saying it was the next notebook but that is very dissappointing don't worry i will not spoil the movie for anyone but if i had the choice to rent or watch at the movies i would choose to rent. I'm trying to find a house to move out into but i don't know...i need God's wisdom now more than ever i want to make the right choice here. I don't want to get over my head but we'll see. God help me...

going out to dinner

okay so first i want to say that it wasn't as bad as i thought...but i was concerned with the idea between two single friends going out and a date. So my ex didn't shower very often so let just say that i decided that i wouldn't go back out with this person if they didn't look clean..and sure enough he showed up with the same clothes that he worked over night in and then he mowed grass all day so there was grass all over his clothes...so that solves that. So two friends that is all that will ever be... okay so on with the night. We(he) talked about work and his family which is ok but he did do most of the talking which is ok but here is the problem. I want to be with someone that i can talk to who will understand what i am saying. I need someone that i can have an intellegent conversation not that he isn't smart but it is just the kind of smarts i am looking for. i had a good time but i am glad that it is over. it was akward because we flirt and stuff and now i know this isn't going to go anyway now. I have to make sure that this is the end of it because i don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt ppl

9/22

okay, so dinner with my friend didn't happen this week but apparently it is going to happen on monday. monday at 7...i'll keep you posted...

9/16

So my dinner arrangement this week didn't work out but he had a good excuse. He didn't have money for it this week but at least i know that i'm not getting mcdonalds. He is taking me to the roadhouse which is nice so now i am very confused. Everyone says this is a date but i'm not thinking of it like that. because i am not sure how that is going to go down since he owes me dinner. I'm not sure what is going on...on his side. Does he think this is a date or just a dinner with a friend. Is he expecting something in return. to him is the begining of something or is this just two single friends going out... I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!

life according to 9/14

So as of today my best friend in the whole wide world doesn't talk to me unless she wants something. My brother, i do love him, and i haven't had our normal sissy and bubby talks that is so relaxing. My closest friend right now is gay...nothing wrong with that but if he was straight he would be more than my friend. I don't know about that but that is what we say...lol... I have no romantic interest...one guy has asked me to dinner because he owes me...long story. i just don't know what is going on. I feel so lost in my own world, but there is nothing to be lost in...work...that is all i seem to do. Work, Work, Work. All work and no time to be ME!!! i don't know...will write soon all about the dinner of course!

My birthday

So today i am 28 and i don't think this birthday was like any of the rest. I'm a little depressed and i'm not sure why...but i hope this feeling goes away soon. I hate to be depressed. ?I just don't know what i am feeling?

getting closer to another bday

So my birthday is next week and i have a problem...i'm getting old. I know that 28 isn't old but i feel old...my best friend...my brother is 7 1/2 years yonger than me and that makes me feel alot older. All my friends are younger than me and i don't know why. Is it that i am trying to hang on to being younger...they are good friends but than again they are like 6,7,8 years younger than me...and there is nothing wrong with that i just...sometimes i can't relate to them...i am a very private person and my friends are great...that is all i have time to say for now...i have to get ready to go to work... :(

feeling closed in...

Have you ever had a friend or knew someone that is so self centered that they don't even know anything about you. Don't get me wrong i know that i don't like to tell ppl about my life because they get to close and i get hurt and i try very very hard not to get hurt but sometimes it is nice to be able to talk to someone about your life. But right now i don't feel like i have too many friends or ppl that i closely know that would care too much about me. Ppl don't know me...i am slowly letting a few ppl in but i am having a problem opening up but i don't think those ppl really care. <3 for now

August 6th

So after texting with a person for 3 days or so...today is the first day i work with him. I thought it would be weird but it wasn't. I did my work and then we started texting and i got to see pics of "them". I had a good day. I just feel so lonely today. i wish i had a boyfriend or at least a boy friend that was the idea single...msybe one day...

recently

so recently i have been talking to someone and they entrusted me with information about their personal life and i am honored that someone would trust me to keep their personal life to myself but now it comes to light that i like to talk...but that is my mind telling myself that i can't keep a secret but i know that i am a vault. i tell noone anything. so now i have this secret life...kinda...

Customer Etiquette

Warning- Reading this can be hazardous to your health. Please do not read if you have never worked in retail because you will not understand. Please read and comment if you are willing to take a risk.
1. I’m not a main computer, I personally don’t control all the UPC or PLUs. I don’t control what something rings up so don’t yell and scream at me. I can fix it but it always help when you are not yelling at me.
2. It is a state law for me to card you for alcohol or tobacco. I’m sorry that you maybe older than 21, but if you don’t look older than 30 I must card you or I could lose my job. If you are older than 21 and think you look older than 30 but choose not to bring you ID than I’m sorry NO ALCOHOL OR TOBACCO FOR YOU.
3. When you buy something when you get something free 90% of the time it comes off at the end of the order. You have to look on your receipt and you will find where it came off (not normally at the end). Don’t yell at your cashier because it will come off 90% of the time and for those of you that fall into the 10% see #1.
4. Cell phone! If you want to know the total of your order or if you want me to talk to you at all put down your cell phone it takes like 5 minutes to get through the register. Martha can wait to know how your Great Dane, Big George is doing in his therapy sessions. This is what you do… “sorry I’m checking out let me call you on my way home.” Feel free to talk on your phone all the way through the store. Don’t make me feel like I’m bothering you when I have to say my speech at the beginning of your order. I’m sorry to interrupt you conversion but I need your loyalty card so you don’t freak out because the prices are not right…see #1.
5. Karma Karrels…Just because you are too lazy to walk your shopping cart 10 feet to put it in the carrel because you are leaving so it doesn’t matter, right? Wrong! Well, Karma has a way of biting you in the tokus. So when you come in crying at the service desk because your white, black, red or green vehicle got damage that is karma. It take like 30 seconds to walk you cart to the carrel and walk back to your car. Always remember they should change the name of the cart carrels to Karma Karrels.
6. Utility Clerks… Utility clerks are from the age of 15 and up, so when you apply for a job as a bagger they are not looking for someone with a degree in physics, dietician degree or even common sense. Unfortunately baggers (aka utility clerks) don’t know that cans can crush things, they probably haven’t got to that part of science in their high school classes. Trained baggers are as hard to come by as trained cashiers. Since both are thrown into the job without much guidance. Baggers should know the following
i. Bread can be smashed
ii. Eggs do break
iii. Cans smash things
iv. 3 includes 1 and 2
But a little tip or advice if you will if you don’t want your smash-able items smashed then bag it yourself. It is a risk. Remember that baggers don’t want to be baggers they want to be cashiers. Cashiers want to be baggers without getting carts. No one want to get carts please refer to #5.

Thank you for your time.

New Glasses

I went and got me some new glasses which totally kick ass. They are purple! My favorite color. Just thought you should now.

Bad day

I had a bad day at work. We were very busy. That is all i want to say i had a bad day...just thought you should know...

Getting my nails done

so i went and got my nails done and the lady that does my nails was telling me about one of her clients has lung cancer. She smoked like 25 years ago and now they have found lung cancer it is terminal. So she keep on going on and on about the dangers of smoking. I know the dangers of smoking kinda. But i am sure that she knows that i smoke it isn't like i hide it but it was just strange to hear her talk about this. I know that she was just trying to help but i found it uncomfortable.

Change

Why do things happen the way the do?
Why is it that so many people want change?
Do people really want change or is it the idea of change that they like?
Why does things happen that question your faith?
Is changing a good thing?
Is changing a bad thing?
Does it depend on what you change?
Does it depend on how you change?
Why do things happen that forces us into change?
Is that for the best of us?
Is it a way of getting back on track?
Did you know that you were off track to begin with?
Why does the word change have such a negitive idea behind it?
When you hear the word change do you cringe?
Does everyone like the idea of change?
Is habit better than change?
What makes a habit?
Is it doing something for a while and feeling comfortable?
Is anyone really ready of change?
Do you resist it to begin with?
Or do you just give in to it?
Did you know that change and cancer have the same number of letters?
Does cancer mean change?

Mom went to the doctor and they found three masses. One on the outside of her throat, one inside her lungs, and one outside of her lungs. I am so scared. She has to go in for a test on March 4th to find out if it is cancer. The waiting is what is killing everyone. I want to cry but i can't because i have to be the strong one. I don't have to be the strong one but I am the oldest and i feel i have to wear this mask. Everytime i look at mom i just want to hug her and kiss her and tell her how much i love her, because what if it is cancer. I don't know what i will do. I'm not ready for this...I can't handle this...What do i do? I know mom and dad have to be scared but...everything happens for a reason. So mom and dad were in an accident in october, if they wouldn't have wrecked their bike then we wouldn't have know about the masses...wow, that was a lightbulb turning on. What if mom dies from cancer and what if i don't get to say that final goodbye. I'm scared, I have known people with cancer but not this close...it is too close for me. I wished the test was tommorrow so we would know something. I hate waiting. I'm just like my mom, we hold everything in until we explode. It isn't healthy to say the least but that is how we handle things. So I guess that someday i will just explode and kill everyone...lol... I see so much of my mom in me, kinda scarey but i like it that way. Why do bad things happen to good people? My mom is a great person, sweet, caring, loving, she would do anything for you. I'm just scared. I am hoping and praying that she doesn't have cancer, I don't think any of us can handle that. Too much...Too fast...
P.s. i need change but i'm not sure if i am ready. I like to take baby steps while changing it works better for me.
With love
sammie

This was a blessing

Check out this video: Lifehouse Everything

went to the doctor today

So I went to the doctor today and i have to go in and they want to give me a epideral with steriods. They also said that my L4 and L5 is starting to degrinerating. That makes me start to worry since mom has the same problem but with one more disc which makes mom 3 dics to are dissolving. There are nothing that the doctors can do for mom now and there is only one thing left which is pain mangement. And I see my future and that scares the shit out of me. Because today it is two dics but tomorrow it could be 3, 4 or 5. It scares the shit out of me when i start to think about it. At the age of 27 i have 2 dics in my spine that are starting to collaspe onto each other. I'm I scared for no reason or I'm i scared for a huge reason.
On a totally different note. Dad had surgery today they took out cable out of his knee and bolt out of this knee. Monday mom has her lungs cleaned out because she has a horrible infection in her lungs that the doctors can't get to go away.
I feel so overwhelmed, more overwhelmed today then after mom and dads accident. And i don't know why. I just want to cry but i don't want to cry. I cam so confused right now and i just can't wrap my finger around it.

Overwhelmed

I just feel so overwhelmed. dad is going in for surgery to remove the cable and screw and they are going to bend his knee while he is under. Mom goes in monday to have her lungs flushed out since she has an e-coli infection in her lungs. I just found out that i have 3 disks in my back that are hurneated. I just feel so overwhelmed right now and i just don't know why